Talking about depression is tough. I find it extremely difficult not because I am ashamed but it’s because I couldn’t find the words to express exactly what I feel. The feeling is both complex yet simple at times. I realized I have anxiety when I was 17 years old but then it got better as I age. I know how temperamental I am since way back then but I have never pegged myself as someone who suffers from depression perhaps because I got used to myself.

I used to write about what I feel because back then it was easier to open up to just about anyone by writing on my blog or speak to a close friend. I think that used to help, a tad bit. Now, it’s different. I couldn’t bring myself to do such thing anymore. It’s not until recently that I find myself needing professional help when I feel emotionally numb and agitated most of the time. It’s wrecking my relationship with my boyfriend. At least that’s the only relationship I actually care about.

         

                                            "I FEEL STUCK AS THOUGH MY SOUL IS IN A COMA, I FEEL HEAVY AS THOUGH AN                                                                                        ANCHOR IS WEIGHING ME DOWN AND I FIND MYSELF ABHORRING LITERALLY                               EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE." 

Nevertheless, I live everyday like nothing is wrong, at least no one could tell. I could speak when spoken to, I could laugh or smile but if I have a choice, I’d opt to be alone without any human interactions.You see, I have never been a jolly person but at least back then I used to want to hang out with my friends, have a little laugh or a little chat with them. I don’t anymore. I completely stopped except for those very rare moments when there’s a tiny opening in my heart, I’ll text one of my friends or simply drop a comment. I am not good at maintaining friendships which is why I don’t have that many friends or at least I don’t keep in touch with them like normal people do. Same thing applies to my relatives, I tend to avoid joining any family gatherings, at least ones that are not important like weekend visits or whatnot because I am not interested in wasting away what little energy I have left in myself. I have lost interest in everything that is ordinarily done.